12:48L 20 August 2004 - good boy and job prospects

Dammit. I just lost a long post due to an internet problem here at work. It's funny often after posting it's really hard to write anything more on the subject. I had written a description of last night's activities. I went out with S for a few beers but was home early, managed to not get any affection from the wife, went to bed frustrated. I could have gone to meet some swingers at a bar and/or got on the internet to cruise for trouble but denied myself these indulgences. Part of my reasoning was related to a job it looks like I might get. I've been thru a set of interviews and while I don't believe in luck I do believe that blessings God offers are things you can scoop up or reject and usually rejecting them happens when you're being a jerk. I'm not going to rewrite that whole philosophy so maybe I'll touch on it later.

The new job could signal the beginning of really different part of my life. I'd like to reset my routine in a lot of ways. I won't have a drinking buddy immediately available so I should have more time to invest at home. I hope to join a gym and get involved at church and in some sort of volunteer group, maybe habitat for humanity. These are activities I have put on hold since I have been looking for a job knowing that it would be likely we'd relocate. I'd love to say the sex stuff will stop but I'm not sure. The troubling and most dangerous thoughts about my marriage occur when I try to remember and can't come up with a time that my wife has simply tried to get in my shoes sexually and take pleasure in doing somthing nice for me. I do things for her for the simple sake of pleasing her at times, although with less frequency. If I stop, what is the likelihood she'll ever start? At the same time, feeling it's entirely one sided makes me feel taken advantage of and that is a huge peave of mine. An idea I had typed earlier and lost was related to doing good things and feeling that positive reward. Bad things can be gratifying, and so can good things. Doing things for my wife doesn't usually feel rewarding. I know I should keep doing them, not look for the reward and eventually it should pay off, but the length of time between giving and feeling good about it is long enough to make it very hard. Last night when I got home I offered some kissing and cuddlings with nothing more implied. She declined (again) and mentioned somthing about feeling bad about it. I stepped on my dick then by saying that I'd gladly give massages, soft touch and cuddling free without expectation and she was free to become a slut in the future. Granted this was not my most graceful delivery. She shut down the conversation saying she didn't want to talk about this since she'd get angry. She felt that this was a request on my part to change who she was and a rejection or criticism of who she is. I really meant it as an encouragement and way of giving her permisson to explore and develop her own sense of sexuality. To me she does need to grow and mature sexually and she will probably do so one way or another eventually. I don't think she recognizes it that same way and anytime another person encourages her growth she takes it only as a criticism. The pattern has occurred for her at work so I know it's not just me. At any rate it came across all wrong. She reacts to any percieved attack on her current persona with anger as her primary defense (rather than denial or rationalization). The fact she gets angry at me when I'm trying, albeit ungracefully, to express what I think we need to be happy together, and that we each need to change or grow, tends to get me angry as well. So I let it go, knowing I wasn't going to be able to communicate effectively and rolled over to sleep unfulfilled.

The lack of cuddling and affection is becoming almost as big a deal as the sex stuff these days. Part of my problem is this perhaps false idea that I have built up that women love that non-intercourse affection and men who supply it are rare. I think I should be more appreciated or would be appreciated by other women. Often when my wife has done things for me in the past it's clear that it's being done because she recognizes that we're not enjoying a healthy "normal" relationship and so if "normal" people do this more often, come on we need to do it. This is apparent and an incredible turn off. It lacks the key to the whole thing in my mind: Each selflessly wanting to do the for the other. Perhaps she's never experienced it but it can be so hot when we men and women each work hard to outplease the other. A generousity vicious circle develops and everyone wins. Her need to put a check in the box in order to feel better about the state of things feels like such a attempt to address a symptom, not the illness. I usually let it happen but then I too am not fully engaged. If I criticise or reject her advances she feels especially put out because she thinks she's doing us a favor and I have the nerve to not enjoy or be grateful for it. Talking to her at that time is no good. I need to figure out a way to communicate these thoughts in another way. She admits she's selfish at times but I have a hellova time trying to illustrate it's impact and motivate her to be more generous. We have talked about my definitioin of great sex before and while she understands it, I'm not sure she really gets it - has enjoyed it and because of that enjoyment wants more. Often talking about great sex dredges up my old girlfriend. I tend to cite a time with my wife before we were married where she was quite uninhibited. She seems to place that in a category where she was not sure that we would be together beyond that time - so she was wild because she thought there was no chance of long term consequences. This brings me back to her lack of comfort with sexuality which to me should get better over time. Another aspect of our difficulties is the significant gap in sexual experience. Because I've turned to the internet and other sources for sexual gratification I've been exposed to a lot of sexual ideas and little shocks me anymore. I've also noticed my threshold for being offended and my acceptance of things has changed. Scary. I know I should be a teacher for her, patient and happy to work with her at a beginner level but it's difficult. My tendency to jump to a naughtier level doesn't reinforce what she may enjoy. I seem to get caught between not starting with gentle affection because she's not into it to jumping to far into f_cking instead of making love.