09:27L 02 August 2004 - continuing saga

So Thursday at work came and went. I was a bit hungover, definately tired and pretty busy at work. For the most part I had started to get my mind wrapped around the revelation from the previous post. The conversation I had Wednesday night with my best friend was one of the strangest I've ever had. True to form I took a supportive position when he confessed feeling sick about the secrecy and way it worked out. I could of course sympathize having also pursued B secretly. It was as if our shared loyality as male friends superceded any relationship to her since we were now honest with each other and neither planned to tell her about this disclosure. She'd kept each of our secrets. She never admitted to him anything about her and I and of course never told me about him. Our conversation ended amicably. At one point on Thursday he popped in my office and we casually chatted. We both lamented the fact we had to do this fareware drinks thing later that evening. Just before leaving my offiice he asked "Do you think I should ask B if she'll sleep with me one last time before leaving?" I simply told him I didn't want to hear about it if so.

As the day wrapped up I headed out to bar and made an appearance. I had a few drinks, chimed into the conversation with a few comments that got laughs and I think I was sucessful at appearing completely myself with one exception. Both B and my best friend know I'm never one to be the first to leave. I made the excuse that my wife and I were headed out of town for the weekend and bolted a drink and half into the event. It was true that were going but we hadn't planned to leave until Friday morning. I told B "auf wiedersehen" (al veed Der zane) explaining that it meant until we meet again rather than goodbye. I told her I was happy for her and felt she would be happier close to home. She said timing was right for the change in a way that seemed like I was supposed to understand some deeper significance. She seemed to take it all very casually and confidently she said she'd see me again. I simply left without responding. As it turns out her birthday is tomorrow and she'll be in town for a few more weeks. I'm out of town on business and happy to miss the dinner and evening at the bar another mutual friend has planned for her.

I believe I'm pretty good at staying positive, making the best of a situation and I probably don't wear my heart on my sleeve much when in a public setting. I'd love to get her view of her of all this. I think my behavior never indicated much. She may have wondered why I wasn't around much and probably chalked it up to a promotion of mine at work. She might be surprised to see the effect this had/is having since I tried hard not to tip my cards. The only means of punishing them for my hurt was to deny them interaction with me. Ha - maybe that's what they always wanted.

Ah, yes I've slipped into "they" instead of "her". Over the weekend my "he man woman hater club" view of my interaction with my best friend evolved. My best friend "R" and I are usually completely honest with each other, that is within a few weeks. Often we have to be out drinking and talking a few weeks after to confess our darkest crimes of the previous month. Despite the latency that honesty was a huge aspect of our friendship. Finding about him and B had put a huge dent in how much I trust him. I suppose I lied to him as well, never telling him about my interaction with B but it was over, in the past and of limited scope. I've been real for the last two years. It feels like I have to re-assess who he is. These feelings really only began to come to mind as the weekend went on. Too many things that I might have chalked up to a personality querk of his now suddenly make sense in another context.

This weekend I didn't really see him except Sunday. He annoyed the crap out of me pretty much all day. I don't know how much of it was jealousy, his few habbits that have always got on my nerves or some degree of both. I don't think I want to trash my friendship with him too quickly. That said I've known for some time that he's generally a bad influence and in all likelihood my wife and I will be moving to another part of the state in the next 6 months, limiting our contact anyway. He has always been generous, someone I could confide in, and hilarious. I may just let the move happen and let geography take it's effect.

Well so where am I left? I was a good hubby this weekend. I sent out resumes and spent quite a bit of time with my wife. Like always it was good but entirely non-sexual. I'm in Columbus, OH till Thursday. I'm not sure, maybe I'll go looking for trouble.

Generally I recognize that any hurt I've felt in this whole mess is my own doing. If I had initially ignored B's advances I probably would have never had this angst over getting close enough to her to know how good we probably could have been and yet never taste it. If I hadn't got myself into a self-denial of her on the basis of a morality I can't seem to live up to anyways I probably could have had her. If I had ignored her advances and never built a mini history with her myself I probably wouldn't have been jealous if she did eventually find her way into R's arms, and he wouldn't have had a reason to keep it from me for so long. The 50/150 rule comes to mind.

In other news I did have a job interview on Friday that went really well. Unfortunately the competing candidate came from within a major customer to the hiring company. We'll see. At worst I think I would be on this companies short list for future openings based on the good interview experience.

I going to try to use all of this stuff for a book. I needed somthing to prompt my main character to step off into an abyss. He's going to break from society, no longer play by the rules, and I think that this situation might somthing I can spin into an impetus for such a change...


for the first time in a long time there's no song stuck in my head at present.