Holy crap!

Last night I got some news that shook me to the core.  First some background.  My wife and I used to socialize with another couple.  The woman works where I work.  We did the typical couple things: dinner out, cards or board games after barbequing, movies, trips to the beach etc.  This woman in question, let's call her "B" is very attractive.  I always recognized the fact that B was hot but never really lusted after her.  I was friends with her hubby and by default I simply never really developed many fantasies about her or flirted with her.  She was married, so was I, better to not even indulge myself in thinking about it, since it seemed an impossibility.  At the time my marriage was tough but we would go out and do things and I think that was sufficient distraction.  None of this was an active decision really, it was simply was the normal state of things that if my wife and I had friends, I didn't plan think about or work toward f_cking them regardless of the their beauty.

I'm not sure if I was aware of B's disatisfaction at home at the time, but one evening B and my best friend joined my wife and I out for dinner.  I don't know what it was but B looked at me differently.  It came to me as a total surprise.  We ate and drank for a while.  At some point B, sitting opposite me bumped my leg with hers under the table.  We both lingered and confirmed it with our eyes.  Later back at our home, it was decided she had too much to drink and would spend the night.  My wife went to bed and I, in a drunken late night burst of energy decided to wash the dishes.  B helped and as we washed the dishes she would often step close to me and I'd take her in my arms.  At one point my wife was suddenly standing right there.  We really hadn't been caught doing anything but it was uncomfortable to say the least. 

The next day I caught B at her house while her hubby was out.  I apologized, we both talked about how unhappy we were at home but decided not to pursue things any farther.  I remember hugging her goodbye and each of us lingering just a bit too long.  I left thinking we had done the right thing, still quite shocked at the fact that I could be with a married woman this sexy and attractive.

Once we were both back at work we began to flirt over email.  One evening a few weeks later she and I were both leaving my best friend's apartment.  We talked and flirted a bit in the parking lot.  She pulled out, I followed and within a few blocks I passed her, pulled over in front of her, got out and kissed her thru her open car window.  She followed me back to my house and we made out.  I remember her saying "I don't think we can go back to just email anymore"  She was more conflicted than I was but neither of us really could totally forget the possible ramifications of starting a full on affair.  We kissed and talked, I pursued her and she would flee.  We stopped short of anything more than heavy petting.

I learned a lot about her.  She was an only child and still needed attention, affection quite frankly a lot of maintainance, but she could sweetly return it as well.  Her husband was a great friend to her, but she had lost any sexual desire for him.  He couldn't seem to manage to be intimate emotionally or know how to maintain her mentally.  I flirted with her contantly at work.  She would go for rides with me on my motorcycle.  Often my best friend, B and I were together socializing.  B's hubby and my spouse were traveling frequently for business or would rather stay at home and my best friend is single so it often became the three of us.  B and I kissed, touched, had phone sex and wrote dirty emails but never made love.  At one point we talked about the practicality of being together.  I remember her telling me she would want to feel my hand in the small of her back as I held the door for her, but knew that when we would be out together, I couldn't do that for and it would hurt her to see me doing so for my wife.  Both of us wanted sex but we also both wanted every other thing that should come with it.  Neither of us wanted a divorce.  After a few months of meeting, flirting, kissing, deciding to stop then having relapses she told me she would do it, but the lies she was telling her husband, who she still cared for as a friend were the hardest part for her.  When she told me that it crushed my heart.  Not so much because she was rejecting me - she was never so assertive as to forcefully request we stop, rather I would ask and she would simply honestly answer about what this was doing to her.  How could I push her when my own morality was already offended by this, and I sensed her struggle as well?  If we went farther I knew the lying would only multiply, along with the guilt and so I stopped pursuing her and we essentially mutually ended it. 

For a while I thought her marriage may have gotten better.  I remember not long after I quit pursuing her, my wife and I were over at their home and she playfully jumped on her husband's back as if for a piggy back ride.  I burned with jealousy.  I was really angry at her.  I realized that my wife and I simply weren't affectionate in front of her, but if we naturally were I would have purposely stifled it when in front of her.  It was like she breached a strange lover's ettiquite.  I don't think she ever knew how much that hurt.  I truly wanted her to have a happy marriage but it was clear I couldn't stand to watch it if it worked out.  I thought a lot of things about her were perfect.  I realized I had become way more emotionally involved that I should.  I didn't love her, but as strange as it may sound I knew I could appreciate her so much better than she had ever experienced and make her happy if only partially.  I love making a woman feel good.  That's probably the biggest frustration in my own marriage.  If I learned anything about being married it was that the ideal marriage I wished for both of us needs to have a common philosophical base.  She and I differed on some of these things so leaving my wife and marrying her was never an option.  She would be the perfect mistress, but in all fairness I knew she deserved more and I since I couldn't give her it all I decided to do the best thing I could.  I decided to essentially end our socialization together, focus on my own marriage and try to go back to being a friend for whom the thought of f_cking B was a foreign idea.  I don't remember having to reject any advances of hers so I think it was mutual, although I always had to initiate, she would reciprocate but never really took charge.

Over time it was apparent that her marriage hadn't healed and gotten all better.  I purposely tried not to pay attention.  A nagging thought occurred at times.  She still needed.  It hadn't been all that hard for me to be with her.  If things we're no better at home for her and having already cut her teeth by "almost" having an affair with me, logically I figured she was probably actually doing it now with someone else.  I tried not to think about it.  I was/am still unhappy and unfulfilled at home.  The thought of me softening her mental barriers towards infidelity only for some other guy to benefit from the full efforts of her affections would make me furious everytime.  I slowly tried to be as far from her as I could.  For all practical purposes now I wasn't even a friend to her anymore.  She probably got more than a fair share of my anger (although never expressed directly to her).  I'm angry that my marriage sucks despite my efforts, I'm angry that I couldn't have her, I'm angry that her hubby is stupid enough to waste her, I'm angry that what should just be a matter of thinking about one another more than ourselves in a marriage is so damm hard. 

Last night I learned my best friend has been banging her for two and a half years, basically since shortly after her and I had our episode.

He's single and before, during and after the time B and I had our episode she would often socialize with him.  He had all the time a bachelor has and no steady girlfriend.  She had an absentee husband and a non-threatening sensitive male friend.  For a long time that was the extent of it. My best friend was getting laid occasionally by other women, and B was there to help him pick out drapes or be an always ready pseudo date.  B genuinely liked and cared for my best friend and enjoyed having someone to take her out and when his bachelor ways annoyed or grossed her out, she could return to her stable, secure home.  I joked to my wife that this symbiotic relationship could be described as B and her gay male friend.  Outsiders all assumed they were having an affair because of the time they spent together.  Initially I guess they were not.  Eventually they were.  I believed all of his early denials which may have been true initially.  Eventually I quit asking, pehaps around the time that things changed.

When he told me it made sense.  What do they say on the detective shows? Motive and opportunity?  He had no wife to feel guilty about, he has looser morality than I do, a house he lived alone in, I know he knows how to subtly push a woman, he could be more than just a lover and they did do a lot of other things together.  But if it was just that, what was different from her perspective?  Is he more attractive than me? If it was just a little bit more convienient or a superficial difference, I'd feel so completely rejected and angry.  As he told me more it seems he promised or implied or they even talked about him providing it all.  For my ego's sake I'd like to believe she was operating under the guise that my best friend would marry her, provide for her long term if she divorced her husband.  For her sake I hope not, I know my best friend too well.  She had once said that she might leave her hubby after finding someone else, but to divorce him and go it alone was more than she could do.  I was always honest that I didn't want a divorce and couldn't offer everything, but would work hard at fullfilling a small part as completely as I could.  It brought back questions.  Did I end it or did she?  If I did, which I think is largely true, why should I be bitter?  How screwed up is it that I feel better if she was with him because he promised the world, which is somehow a more legit justification, and a bigger difference between us.  But of course he lied - he never will marry her, never be more than a caring friend with sexual benefits.

They're over now.  A few months ago he confessed to her that he couldn't give more than he had already been doing.  They had been off and on a few times I guess.  He said she called him a bastard.  She's right, but his leapord spots have always been in the same place.  She is moving and has a new job in another state, which is what prompted his confession to me.  What becomes of her marriage remains up in the air.
It's strange.  At B and her hubby's wedding I got a nasty scowl from my wife when I quietly said "they won't make it 2 years".  I could have never foretold this tale and I was wrong, they've been married more like 5 but I wish I could remember what tipped me off. 

Tonight folks from work are going for drinks to say goodbye to her.  I have no idea what I'll say to her.  If I had been able to stay completely faithful to my wife I might feel better that B and I never pursued anything further.  Take pride in doing the right thing.  The high road then would be to genuinely wish her good luck and try to let her know that I would eventually like to be there for her as a friend again, and wish that she really does get it all from a great guy someday. The fact is I've stumbled too many times.  It's as if since I've fallen and become a cheater, so I had some claim to her.  At the end she was hurt because she didn't get it all from my best friend after giving herself away to him.  Selfishly it seems that if she had been with me she'd be no worse off and would have had the benefit of knowing where she stood all along.  She probably would have been making the geographic change and starting over either way for unrelated reasons.

I'm not going to say anything to hurt her.  I'm not going to disclose what I know.  And I guess I won't deny her my friendship any longer.  I know what she sought and I hope she wasn't too hurt by not getting it yet, but someday will.

If you've read this far I really appreciate you indulgence.  Obviously this is a very selfish post today completely from my perspective.  You don't have to go all the way for an infidelity to do major damage to a lot of people.  At the same time the prospect of being with someone who understands and wants to do for you as much as you desperately want to do for them is a formidable natural human force.  Anyways I really could use your feedback reader, be it supportive or critical.  intrigued_one2002@yahoo.com

in my head - it could be sweet by portishead from dummy 

28 July 2004 14:08L

Ok, if you're reading this blog for the first time the story starts in the previous post.

where were we?  Ah yes, after dinner in the West End, I headed toward Deep Ellum which is a neighborhood that in the past had a lot of local color and nightlife.  Being Monday I knew there wasn't much of a chance for crowds but I figured the folks out on Monday in Deep Ellum would know the current Dallas nightlife scene, even if Deep Ellum was no longer the hottest part of town. 

I headed into a indistinct bar and had a beer.  Within a few minutes a couple of skinny girls, just of age came in and sat down at the bar to my left.  When the bartender was done taking care of them I asked about suggestions of where to go during the week during dallas.  There are two kinds of bartenders in the world.  Ones who think they're job is to pour drinks and those who realize they are councilors, tour guides, conceierges, matchmakers, arbitrators, etc and pouring drinks is just how they occupy their hands.  Unfortunately this guy didn't have a clue.  To my right there was a couple probably in their late twenties.  They looked like they worked for a living but they still had first job out of college written all over them.  It takes a while for the light and hope to be beaten out of you by the corporate world after all.  She was a voluptuous blond in a business like red dress and I loved her for her red pointy toed high heel shoes.  He looked like he'd come home and changed into casual clothes before meeting her for a drink.  The impression was that they weren't lovers, rather friends from the same clique or one was dating the other's best friend.  Anyway I needed to gather intelligence on the decadent people in Dallas so I finished my beer and left.  As I was leaving I noticed they were getting up and I held the door for her as they caught up to me.  She answered her cell phone and he was trapped on the sidewalk since she hadn't yet unlocked the car.  Being in Deep Ellum on Monday night, over 30, in a button down shirt and nice pants probably indentified me as a business traveler at least.  I asked him where the young business crowd hung out in Dallas these days.  He had a number of suggestions.  I'm not sure where his Wednesday night margarita special was but I got enough information to filter down to lower Greenville. I knew that I had to head north from downtown to get to where he was talking about and Deep Ellum was definately dead so I headed up 35 to Mockingbird. 

Traveling north on 35 and east on mocking bird brought back memories of familiar ground and a story I'll have to share another time about a beautiful woman with glasses and a pin striped suit.  Mockingbird is flanked by nice homes as you go east.  I rolled through a section of retail areas and found Greeville.  Lower implied south to me so I hung a right and soon found the upper section lower Greenville.  By this time the after work drinkers have cleared out, after all it's still Monday.  I parked and walked a long loop, checking 4 or 5 bars out and unfortunately finding that the folks left were usually already coupled off at tables rather than the bar, single and accessible.  Seemed like an area to hit later in the week or on the weekend so I noted it and went looking for trouble again.

The story I alluded to earlier is set in a strip bar...which I now believe is north on 35.  Mistakenly I headed north on mockingbird.  Well shocker! I started to see signs for a few of Dallas' appoximately 20 strip clubs.  I swing into one and they want $10 for valet parking and $20 to get in.  I decide to pass.  At this point I am still looking to get laid or at least the illusion of getting laid, but much more importantly I'm hot from walking Greeville, and ready to settle in somewhere and drink beer.   Just a little farther north on mockingbird I see another strip bar.  I pull in, park and I am a bit confused.  The corner of the building has an adult book store, back to the Southwest are two rough looking but regular bars.  I decide the strip bar is in the adult bookstore and therefore extra skanky so first let's drink, shall we? 

As I'm walking to the end of the building, away from the bookstore, towards the bar I'm figuring there's a 50/50 chance I'll be stabbed or in a fight with bikers before the evening is out.  This doesn't deter me.  I guess I like exploring the places that I've never been before.  I love traveling to a foreign country and learning about the culture.  Some danger only makes it more thrilling.  This is really the same.  People live their whole lives and never learn anything about the people just on the other side of the tracks because of prejudice, fear or a lack of any sense of adventure.  I decide to put my rolex (fake) in my pocket, no sense in taunting your hosts with a reason to be envious, and push the door open.  The bartender here is surpisingly attractive.  Trashy for sure, but hot none the less.  There's another attractive woman talking to a biker, ah of course I learn, she's the day shift bartender who's stayed on for a few.  Bar chat is an intersting phenomona.  I imagine I look out of place here, a bit overdressed but I mind my own business, and enjoy my beer quietly.   The crowd is big guy, 3 bikers, day shift bartender lady, and old man.  A few minutes later an Indian (dot not feather) guy with some sort of birth defect comes in.  He's friendly and the locals seem to know him.  He easily opens his beer with his deformed hand and sits down.  All seems right with the world to me.  I'm catching a beer buzz, in a place where people seem to accept each other, perhaps because their vision is too blurred to observe their differences or perhaps because they're all outcasts and have no choice but I take a strange pride and privelege in being able to drink with them, feeling no different.  Damm human, damm flawed, but damm sure to give someone the benefit of the doubt when I can. 

Indian guy is a bit too friendly with the bartender but she's kindly patronizing.  I buy another beer and buy her a drink as well.  She picks a shot of Yagermeister.  Hardcore.  I'm imagining a very tired grandma back at the trailer or appartment putting the kids to bed.  Maybe not.  I'm imagining the boyfriend who pushes her to make his truck payment one more time and slaps her, with immediate apology in the same week.  Maybe not.  I'm imagining the body under those jeans...

Another woman comes in.  She's at least 45, a bit overweight but she wears it mostly in her chest.  She has a beautiful face.  Most wouldn't be able to get past the setting, the clothes, the fact she seems to know the bikers, has asked the bartender to spot her for a coke and is lighting a cigarette.  I can see the potential.  She takes up a collection for the juke box promising to play requests for donors and then responds to a biker's challege at pool.  Passing them as I head to the rest room she looks me up and down and says somthing flirtatious. 

I share another drink with the bartender and decide 2 am is too high a price to pay for a chance at her.  It's still a reasonable hour and I might cut my losses by paying to see some tits then heading back to the hotel.  It is Monday afterall (and passing 11pm)

I head over to what I thought was the strip bar...curious it's just an adult bookstore.  Since I'm here I buy the $5 minimum of tokens and find a booth that doesn't have any holes in the wall.  I find a movie where the woman is either enjoying it or fairly convincing.  There's no greater turn off than a woman being exploited and obviously displeased about it.  Self denial must be my thing these days...I make the $5 last and enjoy short of completely getting off.  Let it go down and head back out.

As I walk back out I see traffic roll alonside the building.  Now I realize that the strip bar entrance is around the side.  This discovery somehow justifies going in..since I discovered it, it would be a shame to never know what it looks like inside goes my logic.   I head inside and find it far from crowded.  Most of the guys are sitting at the periphery, several with girls on their laps or next to them.  I saddle up right in front of the stage.  Shortly I have a beer and am watching a lithe blonde working hard on stage.  She seems to be into it. 

Back! 072604 16:15

I hope my absence has not alienated any of you who might be out there reading this. 

I guess I'll start by recounting my exploits while in Dallas.  I was disappointed not to hook up with any Dallas based blog readers while there.  The week prior to heading out of town was difficult and unfortunately the prospect of a week alone on the road, without a co-worker from my division or the wife gives rise to a certain anticipation and feeling of liberty - almost vacation like.  Invariably this gets me into trouble. 

Sunday was shot doing laundry and packing, then off to the airport.  Enroute to Detroit we held for weather, and my flight from DTW to DFW was also delayed.  I didn't get to Dallas until almost 11pm and by that time was tired and frustrated.  The next day I grabbed big breakfast in the morning, a luxury I rarely indulge in on a weekday, then maintained relatively good cheer throughout the class.  Free at 5pm, I headed back the hotel to clean up a bit, drop my computer and head out for the evening.  First stop, lobby bar.  I was staying close to DFW so the crowd is not quite the same as at a sheik new boutique hotel down town.  I killed my free drink in short order, avoided conversation with the other lonely businessmen and split for a sure spot for dinner.  
 
Texas has it's own sexuality.  The women have a southern charm with a sort of red neck inhibition and sass while at the same time being intelligent and often quite comsmopolitan.  I'm convinced lady Texans like sex.  I'm also convinced they are tolerant of a mans desire for sex, and hold little contempt for a mans explaination of "need".  Texas, and Dallas in particular, has more of a sex industry than a lot of other places with similar sized populations, or so it seems. 

Hmm.  The Sweedish Institute? (large billboard)  I'm betting asian spa with caucasian women.  I exited the freeway probably an exit too late but decided I'd explore a bit anyway.  I enjoy exploration, virtually anywhere.  The part of Dallas was industrial, tired and dusty.  Lot's of trucks, warehouses and one of those really sad looking hotels, complete the manditory stolen shopping cart in parking lot.  You know, one of those places which serve as apartments ,a week at a time, for people who don't want to be found.  I drove a few blocks, hung another right figuring if nothing else I'd loop back and get downtown to dinner.  I figured I was in sex country and sure enough within a few minutes I passed number of adult book stores.  I knew better, but I headed into one.  Adult bookstores are pretty much all the same.  Gruff attendent, rows of shelves of videos and dvds, a toy area, etc.  There are also always men there.  For those of you who may not know, the video booths are often a hangout for homosexual men who will have sex in booths or thru glory holes located between booths.  Being totally straight and admittedly homophobic when it comes to a bulky truckdriver with 800 miles and 2 pints of wild turkey behind him, I'm always on guard when in these places.  I'm no snob but hey you also have to think if I was criminal and wanted to roll someone for their wallet and wanted to do it in a place where their victum be unlikely to report the crime....anyway I checked out some videos.  It's rare but there are also sometimes women who go to adult bookstores for the express reason of showing off or having sex with men.  Often their hubby/boyfriends are there to protect them or watch.  It's a rare relic of the adult theater orgies of the 70's or a risky offshoot of current swinging.  A woman who want's sex that badly, in such a carnal and risky manor is a huge turn on for me.  Anyway it's rare, but I've seen it and that's what primarily drew me in.  None such luck here, so I looked at the back of a few more videos...just enough to feel vauge stiring below, then out. 

I continued my loop and came upon the Swedish Instituted.  I'm curious, what the heck.  I walked up the mirrored door and rang the bell.  I was shown inside by a girl about 20.  In a lobby area 5 girls stood and in turn introduced themselves by fake first name.  One had beautiful blue eyes and long, straight, neary black hair.  She had a loose tank top on and huge tits, that looked natural but sagged, and her outfit was more sloppy than sexy.  It was true for each of them.  They all had a few physical attributes that made them desireable, a few others that indicated they were poor, abused, worn out, or unhealthy.  $150/hour.  I looked at the blue eye brunette for a second, felt more sorry than horny and told them I was heading to dinner and might stop by later.  

I felt relieved and more frustrated when I got back in the car.  Good call, avoid disease, arrest, $150 still in my pocket.  On the other hand, now I'm starting to get really horny.  I've seen images on the back of videos of hundreds if not thousands of women who perform every act on video.  I've just met 5 women who if I saw them on the street in another context I would definately be attracted to and I know that they'll each perform those acts...

I head out, planning to get downtown when I pass another bookstore and see a couple walking in.  Left lane, left turn, in a driveway, back up, on the street, left lane, left turn in.  This place is a lot cleaner.  A smaller selection of videos, a larger selection of toys.  She's talking quitely to him.  Ettiqute here is the same as any store or perhaps amplifed, you don't walk up to a stranger...  I'm runing out of places to browse and discretely look their way.  They haven't looked around much and I'm guessing they would have made eye contact if they wanted company by now.  Still it's  hot she's in here, completely unashamed.  I decide to check the booths here.  You're given a key and it looks like privacy is assured.  These are different than anything I've seen before.  A couch, coffee table and large screen TV.  I decide to stand rather than risk the couch.  Still, the place does look clean.  The space implies room for others.  I settle in to a channel about halfway thru the 100+ and enjoy a few minutes of a first person camera perspective of what it's like to have two women eagerly kissing, licking and sucking you at the same time.  I decide to stop short.  I'm very hard and have boxers on.  I wait long enough to be soft enough not to be completely obvious, but still if a woman looks, I'll be a bit more, uh "present" than I might otherwise be.  I'm starving. 

I had eaten at Lombardi's several times before when in Dallas.  It's in the West End, near the place where JFK was shot and so it's not the hippest local, but even on a Monday night there are people around.  The food is reasonable, the wine was good and I sat alone outside on the patio.  A few tables over 3 women sat, looking like married women on a girls night out.  I caught the eye of one, and we shared a smile.  I was loving Texas.  She was in her mid to late thirties, wore a light, sleeveless dress with short skirt, and had bright yellow mules on.  While the heels were just a tad short for my taste, the anklet made up for it.  Very hot.  Our eyes met a few times, but alas it was one me against the three of them and they were ahead of me mealwise.   I sipped a chianti classico as I conspired ways to seperate her from the others in order to even the odds.  Leaning back, relaxing and looking around I settled their waiter, a 40ish hispanic man had taked up post a step up on a higher part of the patio.  He was smiling with appreciation at the ladies, then turned towards me.  He raised his eyebrows and cocked his head in their direction when he saw me.  I discretely raised my class, nodding slightly and we shared a laugh.  I was loving Texas indeed.  Unfortunately they finished and got their before I was able to offer to buy them desert for sweetening the view.  I saw they boarded a courtesy van for the Magnolia hotel, and after considering it for a second, I decided it would be too stalkerish to show up in the lobby bar there. 

Dinner done, it was time to get to work. 

More to come!...

Any Dallas Readers?

A Texas Sized Howdy Y'all

I'll be in Dallas all next week for some training. Sorry, no time to blog this week, I should be able to catch up later this week!

1008L 09 July 2004

So I'm reading a few new blogs today and happen upon a few websites and they are pretty damm funny. All very glib, entertaining and clever. Without apology I recognize my stuff here isn't nearly as easy to read. I could try to be funnier, and with some effort probably could be more charming but I'm not sure that I will. I suppose I'm susceptible to the seductive force of "the funny/charming one". Have you ever been at a cocktail party, standing in a circle of friends and as your funnier, more charismatic, charming friend is holding court you get an impulse to springboard off their last comment with your own joke, which you imagine will result in a cacophony of laughter and esteem? I suppose I chalk that up to immaturity and rather than induldge the impulse, I typically accept my relative lower level of "life of the party" charm and take a quiet pride in being good at understanding others, engaging in civilized debate, being worldly and considerate. Oh and being an oft complemented lay. I enjoy making others feel good, feel happy, and cracking someone up is immediate gratification. I also envy the rebellion that a "zany" person exhibits by living their life differently. But at the end of the day, I'm satisfied being an acquired taste, and hope that the investment necessary to enjoy my company is ultimately rewarding in more complex and lasting ways.


in my head: tommy the cat by primus from sailing the seas of cheese:
SAY baby do you want to lie down with me?
SAY baby do you want to lay down by MY side uh baby do you want to lay down with me,
SAY BABY?
SAY bay-BAAY!

0842L 08 July 2004

Top o' the morning to ya all

I'm without profound or perverse ideas at the moment. As I stated in my initial post, I am curious if lurid subject matter gets the most response. So far that has been my experience and while not disappointed I would enjoy more agreement or counterpoint on the other ideas posed here. Am I to assume my view of the world is not so skewed and all of you simply agree with me? It's seems unlikely...

I got a few nibbles for new job prospects this week. I need to follow up and plan to blast another salvo of resumes out this week. I guess the new trend is somthing called a CV. I should research these and create one. I loathe the hiring process. It seems such a game. When I am on the hiring end I prefer to cut to chase and hate to assess a candidate on how well they regurgitate the "how to knock em dead in an interview" phrases that all sound cliche but have become a kind of special language that only HR people speak. I'm pretty confident in my ability to assess people in a fairly short time. Invariably our HR person had a different impression than I did, keying off something the applicant said and interpreting it exactly backwards. What was a strength for a particular position was misinterpreted because the HR person didn't have a clue as to what happened in the company, outside of the HR department. I play both sides as a job seeker. I have a healthy fear for that HR person, so I include lot's of "action verbs" and temper the cheeze with as many examples of tangible results that I can for the business person.

My counter hasn't been working for the site. My farthest contact from this blog has been from Australia. I'd love to visit there someday and have heard that our cultures align in an interesting way. Being that Aussie chicks are hot, doesn't hurt either. The novelty of being from the U.S. was helpful when chatting ladies up in Europe. I wonder if that would be true downunder or if we're so much alike I'm just another bloke?

I realized today that I have picked up my guitar in few weeks. Strange how it goes in waves. I'll need a week or two of playing every day to get back in shape.

The last couple nights I've slept like hell. The soreness is gone from skiing and I did work out last night but I've been so tired lately. My routine has been, home from work, some small errand, like shoping for dinner, or a haircut, home for dinner, clean up, walk dog and then wrestle with getting online and jerking off or reading or sending resumes or getting to bed early enough to catch up. I think I'd do better in Spain. I like the idea of working the morning, heading home in the afternoon for a nap, then working late, staying out very late and sleeping in to do it all over again. I'm a night person.

Stuck in my head: Can't cha hear me knocking by the Rolling Stones from sticky fingers

Some pics of my environment

http://www.weathermichigan.com/miwxcamsSW_F.htm

I usually ski between the holland and grand haven areas.

13:25L 06 July 2004

Short blog today. Sore from jetsking Sunday. A post or two ago I mentioned reading a book of collected Great Lakes literature. One of the themes found in Great Lakes lit is the ferocity of the storms on the lake and how because they're freshwater they're often underestimated. Those who head out onto the water without a healthy respect for the weather often end up in trouble. My friend and I fancy ourselves extreme jetskiers. We're probably too old to be recognized as such by others, but we live for big air. Sunday provided a southwesterly push and we hand a nice 2 1/2 foot bowl to launch from at times. Usually when others are headed away from the beach, we're on our there. Our most daring trip was one of the last ones of last season...early October, 5-7 foot waves. When sitting on my ski in the trough between peaks, looking back towards shore only revealed the smoke stack of the nearby power plant. You couldn't see the shore, trees or buildings, just sky and the backside of the last wave. When sliding over the peak you could confirm how far from shore or the pier you were. Weather looks like it may offer an opportunity like that later this week, so I'm planning a dip in a tub of ben-gay tonight.

Stuck in my head: Everything in it's right place by Radiohead, from Kid A

New to my blog?

I've been out trying to drum up some business. If you happen to be a new reader here, welcome! First of all feedback is always welcome. I can be reached at intrigued_one2002@yahoo.com Second, not all of my content is sexual in nature. So if you ran across one of my dirty stories and prefer to keep it G rated most of the posts that start with the time and date are simply my thoughts for the day. On the other hand if you like the naughty stuff, let me reiterate that I can be reached at intrigued_one2002@yahoo.com Half kidding. I do try to title my naughty stuff as either Fantasy or Reality, so these are easy to find if you want to check it out or avoid it. Third, you should be able to see an archive by month when you open my blog, and it should go back to my first post called Start and Test. Please let me know if you have trouble navigating this site.

Thanks a ton for stopping by and please check in often!

08:17L 01 July 2004

I can't believe summer is 1/3 over. Apologies to all for not blogging as regularly over the last few weeks. I hope to get back in the swing of it at least during the week. The previous few posts took a long time to get out. At one point I nearly abandoned finishing the story. I had thought about it several times and in some ways I had completely digested the idea. My writing feels like half of a discussion to me. If I've worked ideas over too much in my head it feels like I've already said all I can say about the matter at hand and I don't feel like repeating myself. Dunno if that makes sense, but I find my best writing is where my imagination is only slightly ahead of my typing.

I had an idea while walking the dog the other night that I wanted to expand upon. I'm frustrated because I can't really remember it completely. I think it was about guarding too much against rebelliousness and being too responsible at an early age leading to a trade off in later resentment. I also imagined a wise mentor saying to a younger me, "Don't confuse doing the right thing with greed" So much of our adolescent programming is "college prep" - do your best not for the health of your soul, but rather in order to get into a good college, so that you can get a good job and make money... Probably noble pursuits in some ways, and I have ideas about where/why they originate, but with an ill concieved motivation. Today I'm sucessful by many of those measurements but wish I had followed my less practical, risky dreams earlier. Today I have responsibilities that I won't turn my back on which prevent me from being as free to do so.



We have so/too much - can't even recognize a need to take a chance for more.

Last night I read a facinating forward to a book on Great Lakes maritime literature. There are some ideas I'll try to discuss in future blogs about the arrogance of man which this book touched. Today I'm thinking about beinig thankful. As I read about the risks that early sailors on the lakes took it became apparent that during the period shortly after the war of 1812 that the emerging commerce and resources of the great lakes offered a means for people to make a lot more money than they had access to before. Hence they took risks and had an average life span of 5-7 years once sailing. (and remember there were no icebreakers then so a year of sailing on the lakes was really less than 3 seasons/year) It seems so distant from any experience an American would take on today. Would even a poor american take a job where it was unlikely they'd live thru another decade in order to take care of their family, improve their way of life? Imagine seeing on the news that the factory job offered to the head of a homeless family would probably kill Dad in a few years. It's nearly incomprehensible to us. Imagine the dramatic improvement in your life that would be necessary for you to consider such a chance. Given all the blessings I enjoy we're talking millions of dollars before the risk/benefit makes sense. Clearly we have too much. How much could be taken away before we'd start to think in terms where life limited to 10 more years is a good trade for the survival or benefit of my wife, kids.... Today in Iraq an american civilian worker and probably a non-infantry soldier probably has a longer average lifespan than 10 years. Globally we're not so blessed. There are still places in the world where people strike this kind of balance and unfortuantely they may not be in a resource rich environment to take advantage of. I can't say I'm thankful, because our paradigm hardly allows us to understand how much we have. But I'm working on it.

At some point I should go off on the value I place on progress...I'm a non-practicing transcendentalist if that wasn't already obvious. And I'd love for a historian to comment on wealth's effect on societies. I love the part in Catch-22 where Art Garfunkle talks with the old man - "How long do you think your country will last?" "Forever, America is the most powerful country in the world..." "Egypt was destroyed, Greece was destroyed, Rome was destroyed...Forever is a long time" Or something generally along those lines...

stuck in my head - 3rd stone from the sun by Jimi Hendrix, from a boxed set I have.