17:37L 08 June 2004

Today I was listening to many of the positive things being said about Ronald Reagan and his religious beliefs and wanted to be able to identify with them which prompted some thoughts about my own hypocrisy. I have a real disdain for hypocrites but suspect I can be counted in their number sometimes. Does hypocrisy require a lack of self awareness? Or is hypocrisy strictly dependent upon how others view you? I know that I'm flawed, perhaps severely. At the same time I feel I have a very clear understanding of right and wrong. Does my self awareness (which often feels like a curse) effect whether or not I'm a hypocrite? Clearly I don't always practice what I would preach, although any preaching I do would come from a humble, "we" perspective, including myself as "chief of sinners" stating what we, each and every one of us, should strive to do/be all the while acknowledging the difficulties getting there, without judgment. I consider myself highly self aware. My Johari window does have four panes (http://www.augsburg.edu/education/edc210/johari.html)
but my blind spots are small. I find that often my blindspots are not about my behavior itself, but rather the subsequent effects of my behavious. Anyway, my struggle is that I often know at the moment when I'm sinning, when I'm about to sin or even as I'm consciously giving in to sin's allure, deciding, choosing the wrong path. This awareness is a blessing in that it offers the opportunity to stop and do the right thing, allowing me to be a decent, empathetic person capable of compassion and kindness, but it is also a terrible mirror showing my weakness as I go over the falls. I'm all for fidelity and perfect marriages. When I express a sexual desire outside of my marriage, it's pretty clear to me that it's wrong. I don't live to my standards. Am I a hypocrite because of that behavior? Does explaining the difference between what I would assert as the desired behavior and the actual behavior, free me from hypocrisy and just limit me to being a flawed, sinner? Or do I only become a hypocrite once I judge another by the standard I can't, scratch that, can but fail to uphold? I feel duty bound to explore this since I've mentioned church and what I consider immoral sex on this blog. I don't endorse or condone all of my behaviors and want to make that clear to any readers. The really lousy thing is that I'm tired of sex alone and I'm prompted to draw others in with me. Assuming I'm somewhat smoove enough to snag a few of you ladies, be warned. I take responsibility for what kind of example I ought to be. The difference between what ought be done and what I do should not de-value the legitimacy of what ought to be done, but the fact is we often shoot the messenger, value the idea based on who and how it's presented and we don't judge based on evidence and analysis alone, but rather in a subjective way with all of the wrapping playing a role. If I'm honest here, can I trust you reader to ignore the traps I lay? I think perhaps intention plays a role. Do I intend to continue to do what I know is wrong? Do I go so far as to change my perspective of what is wrong, into something permissible for whatever reason rationalized or denied? (thank goodness that one doesn't catch me too often, it's a slipperly slope). By the way it's clear to me that natural desire doesn't mean it's ok, even if any reasonable person would say I deserve said desire fulfilled. If I had a dime for every time I've pitched all my porn and sworn off the internet I wouldn't be rich but I probably could take a mistress out to dinner at a classy, dimmly lit fine restaurant and buy her some new sex toys afterwards, taking them to...DOE! This is becoming a total rant so I'll leave the questions for now. I want to be honest and felt that addressing hypocrisy was necessary to be honest here where I'll write about both light and darkness and both can taste pretty sweet at times.


currently in my head, Mars, the bringer of war from Holst's "the planets" - Venus prompted this earlier with it's transit of the sun today, venus = planets = holst equals cool = favorite part = mr bad ass mars.